Which candidate would make the better pirate?

America, in a ritual that takes place every four years, is about to elect a president. Our options for the highest office on earth is a man who has done absolutely nothing in two years in the U.S. Senate, Barack Obama, and a man who has done too much for too time in the U.S. Senate, John McCain.

How are we to judge a candidate who has not passed any law that are annoying to roll out of bed and vote, because so little of it? How can we evaluate a candidate who has voted against so many for so long that I would if I could vote against their own legislation? We need a sure fire test to evaluate candidates.

We are looking for a saint to be our next president. A saint is not going to take the economic downturn or fly all the bad guys who must fly in the next four years. Saints are not good at math (with the exception of keeping track of sheep and lambs) or physical exercise (with the exception of heretics launch in spades). Trap would never be a saint during a calculus test or pick a saint to be in his football team. We are also looking for someone without many scruples. Someone with an oversized sense of morality does not do the job.

We need a pirate as president.

The pirates are very good with numbers. You must calculate the costs and benefits on a regular basis. They must, for example, how many hostage taking and what they paid for the hostages. This, of course, is not an easy calculation as pirates must be on top of the value of different currencies and the rate for different nationalities. A Euro or Yen is worth just as many U.S. dollars. Somali or Nigerian is worth just so many Peruvians.

Pirates are simply wonderful at murder. You can cut, cut and cut better than the local butcher. It can explode, explosion, burst and detonate anything in so many ways imaginative. Most of our current candidates can do is probably shake a soda bottle and spray the contents on one of the demagogues or terrorist leaders roaming our planet.

Neither candidate has what it takes. Obama is the equivalent of a certain type of sports fan, the type of fan known – not so politely – as an "athlete" sniffer ". Obama an athlete-sniffer of leftist radicals, a connoisseur of sulfuric set. McCain, for its sand all, has a rusty trigger finger. He has not fired a gun of any caliber in anger in a long time and we must therefore ask if you have what it takes to annihilate a multitude of any magnitude. Can assassinate the character of his opponent? He's had his chances.

These candidates are our only options, so despite its shortcomings, we must decide which of them would be the best pirate and therefore the best president.

Obama could walk bowlegged through a foam laminate? I think not. I could not even walk through a courtyard pigeon toes after a few beers. That man is too cold. McCain has a colorful walking, and the work he could at least develop a stroll. Advantage: McCain.

What candidate could take more rum? Obama seems like a man through Chardonnay and through, perhaps even a sort of siphon wine companion. He in turn your nose at rum unless he needed the votes of Puerto Rico, in which case advisers would drink of rum, as was becoming unfashionable. His advisors do everything for him anyway. McCain's wife is a beer baroneess, and my guess is that McCain could go through several glasses of rum without much prodding, or any other beverage in sight. He served in the Navy, after all. Advantage: McCain.

Obama or McCain are best climbing gear? Obama did not rise. Again, it is the consultants. They go for it. McCain would be the rig in an instant, as soon as someone told him that could see Sarah Palin's blouse from up there. Advantage: McCain.

Obama or McCain more practiced in deception? McCain may have the slightest idea what is saying, but means that when you say it. Obama will say anything to get elected, and has changed his positions on several occasions. Gotta go with Obama in this case. Obama seems be the best liar. Advantage: Obama.

We now come to style. Which candidate would put a handkerchief and white gauze shirt open to the navel with the panache that is as important to a pirate? Is there an option here? Obama is the essence of style. granted his scarf Gaultier Gucci and his shirt, but looks much more comfortable with just about anything European than American anyway. It is unfortunate that you can not run for president of the European Union. McCain can pull a T-shirt old in his closet and rip through his scarf, and maybe pop a few buttons on one of his Brooks Brothers shirts, but "C'est la vie". Advantage: Obama.

Which candidate would be better to negotiate with our enemies? I do not understand McCain. Speak in short sentences and choppy, and I can not keep his train of thought. Me I imagine it would only confuse our adversaries. Obama, however, has a silver tongue and might lull our enemies into oblivion who hate us – especially if He promised a tax cut or universal healthcare, or any other policies he has promised but never fulfilled, because he will be too busy rescuing the banks.

We have a tie on the basis of these criteria, but, frankly, as I opined earlier, neither candidate would be really a good pirate.

The American people need and deserve a person without principles, a real scoundrel, a coward individual can imagine walking down the oval office with a parrot. A bandit rabble. We had a president, once, and he would have made a splendid pirate, and treated him badly. We punished him for his ability to wrong. We threw him out of the office and have not been the same nation we have done. Yes, he would have been an excellent pirate, and now he is gone. He's gone.

Who else he can help us in this dark period in our time of such need?

If only we could bring him back.

Richard Nixon.

© 2008 Edward Chupack

About the Author

Edward Chupack is an attorney for a major law firm. He lives near Chicago. His first novel, Silver, is available now from Thomas Dunne Books. To learn more about Long John Silver, please visit www.silverpirate.com.

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